Abe's In School

The Grades Come Marching In

2008-05-07T23:54:00.001-07:00

And it's official: I flunked my first final (or exam) in my college career. It will be the last time that happens, I guarantee you that. I got a 51% on the CS 160 (Java Programming) final. Ouch. Very painful and atypical of me to get such a low grade. But, as my sister Jessie says, "must be nice to break up the monotony of success with a little failure!" Next time I take a programming class I will spend a lot more time writing extra programs, and practicing writing the hardest programs I can imagine by hand. My grade, as it stands in CS 160, is a 77%. Hopefully we'll get some good curve action going, and see that get brought into solid B range. At this point I'd even be psyched to get a B-.

Also, in my fear of doing badly on the Econ 313 final, I didn't study much for my Stats final. Consequently, I didn't do well on it either. I got a 78% on it, and got an 89% in the class. Pretty sad because going into the final I had a 96% in the class. On the bright side, my professor said that he appreciated having me in class, and because I'd worked so hard over the semester he bumped my grade up to an A-. Much appreciated, Professor Hayes, much appreciated.

Math 103 has ended up being a bright spot on the transcript. I pulled in a 95.6% in the class for a solid A. I'm pretty proud of that accomplishment because there was a time when I realized that I'd put off the class for a very long time (it's self-paced) and had a mountain of work ahead of me. In fact, the course supervisor told me, frankly, that she didn't think I'd be able to get it done. Well, I did. And with an outstanding grade.

The two remaining question marks are Econ 313 and Econ 201. I take the Econ 201 final on Friday morning, and should be getting back my Econ 313 final grade and course grade tomorrow hopefully.

Econ 313 was another challenging class for me this semester. It's structure, style of learning, and content was difficult for me to learn, study for, and excel at. However, I was the ONLY freshman in the class. Everyone else was Juniors or Seniors. So, perhaps I did just fine considering I was a relatively new student swimming in deep waters. It was an excellent experience though in that it revealed to me that there are some areas I need to improve in. I need to learn how to study for, and master material that doesn't come with a lot of ready-made practice problem sets. Thus far my ideas include: reading the textbook religiously, taking notes, making flashcards, and writing my own practice problems.

This has been an arduous semester. It's been exhausting in terms of time required to even do as well as I did. The classes I took were much more difficult, in general, than the classes I had the previous semester (which were all 100-level and not too tremendously difficult, mostly rote memorization). I also had an additional 4 credits of workload. I guess--in the end--I just kind of ran out of gas, too. I didn't have much motivation left to study for finals when we got to finals week, and in fact went out drinking two of the weekend nights leading into finals.

Also, it didn't help that I worked the weekend before finals. That was a horrible idea and something I will never do again. It's simply not possible to count on getting much productive studying done at work--even when it's slow. In the future, recognizing that, I'm just going to have to financially count on NOT working the weekends before I have finals. I suppose if I hadn't had to work that weekend I'd have done much better about studying for both Econ 313 and Stats, and that probably would be more reflected in my grades in both.

As it stands, my grades aren't bad, but they aren't great either. I worked so hard throughout most of the semester, yet I made a few strategic mistakes which cost me in the end. But, lessons have been learned, and mistakes have been made which will not be repeated.

Right now: A, A-, C+ (?), B (?), B+ (?)
Anticipated GPA: 3.2

Dealing with Failure

2008-05-06T11:36:00.001-07:00

Whoopsie. That's what you're supposed to say when you completely, utterly, bomb a final...as I suspect I did mere hours ago.

Oh, I didn't intend to fail it, no; in fact, I was up until 2am last night creating my two-pages of cheat sheets we're allowed to have for the tests. I crammed everything I thought would be on the test onto those two cheat sheets.

I figured there would certainly be roll-your-own-programs-that-do-XYZ on the test (there were), I figured there would be a lot of semantic questions (not so much), and I figured that there would be arrays (correcto).

What I didn't forsee is that our professor would drop the equivalent of a NUCLEAR BOMB and completely annihilate us. Apparently, last weekend, as he sat down to write the final, he thought something along the lines of, "I'm really going to screw these people over. Hah, tenure baby. Twoooo words: T.E.N.U.R.E. b.a.b.y." And then he proceeded to create the equivalent of an ancient form of torture as seen through the eyes of a modern day programming professor. Yeah, it was *that* fun.

There was not one, not two, but three or four (the trauma of it all is making my memory foggy) recursion problems. The two that asked us to create recursive methods to do XYZ, I didn't get to (20 points out of 100 down the drain). Then there's the recursive problem that I did get to which asked me to say what it would output (print to screen). I muddled through it, and I'm fairly certain I muddled my way to the WRONG ANSWER. I mean, *come on*, recursion is possibly the hardest concept in programming. And he puts it on the final in spades.

On the plus side, there wasn't hide-nor-hair of a mention of interfaces, polymorphism, or inheritance--so that was nice. It would've been nicer if I'd have left that stuff off my cheat sheets and made room for the Input/Output (I/O) notes I needed to be able to correctly write a method which throws and exception if it can't read a file, but otherwise reads from a file and outputs to a different file. Yeah, that would've been good.

So there I was, trying to keep my head above water, just trying to make the best of a bad situation, and then my classmates (geniuses that they are) start getting up to turn in their tests--HALF WAY THROUGH THE TWO-HOUR PERIOD. That's a little distracting because, oh, I don't know, it makes me feel RETARDED. I find myself distracted by thoughts like, "wow, they really know their recursion backwards and forwards. I guess it must've been all in their upbringing." It's just hard to focus with dubious thoughts like that running around my head.

The test is only worth 20% of our grade, thank goodness, since my other test scores are already low. I'd hate to change things up at the end or anything. Oh, sure, the professor coouuuuullddd pause to think, "hey, wait a minute, this Abe guy has got a 94% on all the programming assignments. Some of those were complete HELL, maybe, just maybe this indicates that my tests are too long, overly difficult, or that they're testing other factors other than ability to program. I should give this guy an A."

But that's being optimistic.

My email to the professor, entitled, "pre-emptive plea" would've had a fair shot of winning America independence from the British. But it might not be able to pry a B for me out of my professor's iron grip (those lifelong programmers have strong hands).

What could I have done differently?

It would've been smart to work as a Java programmer for several centuries before taking this class. Heck, maybe even help design the language. That probably would've done the trick. Hey, then I could've helped write the textbook--another good tip to all you aspiring programmers.

Short of that, I should've spent every waking moment eating Java-cereal, breathing Java-air, driving Java-cars, thinking Java-thoughts, and just generally having a Java-centric attitude. I should've written so many additional "fun" programs (I believe they call it "just for practice") during the week that I put Disneyworld out of business. All those people gathered around the madman writing thousands of lines of code *is* pretty entertaining.

Surely, I was wrong to expect that putting 15-20 hours a week of time into writing the programs actually assigned was all that was expected. Surely. Silly me.

But let's be pragmatic.

If the test was hard for me, it was probably hard for everyone. I mean, as strange as it sounds, we DID all take the same test. Historically speaking, when I've done badly on the tests, so has everyone else. So there's hope. Yay all you guys who suck at taking programming tests--like me. Maybe, just maybe, the curve will be so massive that I'll be relocated from Planet I-Suck to Planet I-Awesome. Not likely (frankly, things look pretty dismal when the PROBABLE score you anticipate is 30%), but possible.

If it's not curved, or the curve doesn't help much? What then? Well, I can say with no uncertainty that the world will keep turning, Abe (that'd be me) will continue going to school, and there will be other finals which will be equally as treacherous and painful (torture is an ancient artform that never goes away and is nurtured in thousands of forms on college campuses across the nation), and plenty which won't. I guess the point is that I could've done better, and I will in the future. Next time I'll take that job as a programmer before I attempt a programming class.

Oh, and if someone ever tries telling you that recursion is "easy" please bitchslap them for me. Recursion exercises are what a god would do for fun instead of crossword puzzles.

Friendships in School

2008-04-18T23:12:00.001-07:00

One of the really challenging things about being a student who aspires to excellent academic performance is figuring out how to live a good life at the same time.

I frequently find myself torn between the demands of friendship and school demands. Frankly, I can see why a 'C' is average because an average student may have plenty of smarts, but make different decisions than I do.

When friends invite me out several nights of the week (literally), I constantly get grief for turning down their invitations because I have homework to do, tests to study for, reading to do, papers to write, and so on. They can't understand why I'd give up so much FUN for dry, boring, school. They don't understand why an 'A' matters so much to me. They know as well as I do that I could go out with them every night they call and still get at least C's in all my classes, and they don't see what's so bad about C's. To them, C's get degrees. And degrees get real jobs, and real jobs is the only point of college.

I get it. That simplistic logic makes sense on a certain level.

What they don't understand is that where most people consider themselves masters of certain domains like sports (particularly common among the average American male), I consider myself master of the learning/intellectual domain. I'm less confident and assured when it comes to social matters, though I do well enough there most of the time to be satisfied.

Long story short: I continue to struggle to find a satisfactory balance between my studies and my friendships. If my friends had their way I'd drink 3-4 nights a week (at a minimum), stay up late virtually every night, and have a ton of fun doing all of the above. I'm flattered they like having me around as much as they apparently do (based on how often I'm invited out), and I know they mean nothing malicious or scheming by requesting so much of my time and razzing me for all the time I spend on my studies.

That said, I think part of the disconnect between my priorities in life and their priorities in life can be directly attributed to the difference in our ages. I'm a thirty-year old who's finally going to college; they are between 19-23 and either just starting out in college, not yet in college, or nearly done with college. For them they're in their party stage. They want to drink a lot, pursue girls like it's open season, and basically shirk as much responsibility as they can get away with.

I think that's healthy.

But I've already filled my quota of years spent doing those things. At thirty if I don't start getting serious--in some ways--about making myself the kind of adult I want to be then I'll wake up at 50 years old manning a cash register at a 7/11 or Town Pump. Or, more realistically, I'd just end up terminally being a line guy at the Jetcenter.

I refuse to be one of those thirty-year olds who can't relinquish their desperate grasp on youth. Instead, I choose to accept with grace my aging and adulthood. Some day, hopefully not too long in the future, I will be a father. I want to ensure that I'm a good father and a good husband--someone who both my wife and children can rely on, respect, and admire.

So, I'm sorry my friends (if any of you should ever happen to read this), that I can't spend more time with you. Rest assured I'd love to spend every night with you guys, hanging out, drinking beer, playing poker, and making each other laugh till our stomachs hurt and we have tears in our eyes. I'd love to. Realize how much discipline and restraint I have to marshall within myself to turn down all that fun, and instead to choose to study, or go to bed early.

I simply can't make that choice very often. I have to start making the choices that a father, a husband, a man (the kind I want to be) would make. Because, once I'm a father, and a husband, and in a REAL job, it'll be time to perform those roles, not time to just start trying to be those ways. Unless I start growing into those ideas now, I won't be ready for them when the time comes. As my own father was always quick to remind me, "when the time to perform has come, the time to prepare has past." Write that down.

I appreciate how understanding my friends are, by and large. Sometimes their patience wears thin, and who knows: they might eventually get tired of calling me and eventually stop. I had to face that possibility when I decided to do college, and when I established specific goals for my college experience.

When I set out to "do" college, I decided that school was my #1 priority. No matter what, I would continue in school even if faced with a choice between school and work, friends and school, family and school. School, school, school. That is the only way I can assure I get through it. Every time before that I've tried school, I've dropped out because I allowed other conflicts to break down my commitment--I allowed work pressures to separate me from school demands, or friend pressures to infringe on my studying and ability to get to bed at a decent hour and wake up for class.

When I entered college this time, I acknowledged what caused me problems in the past (relative to school) and make strict decisions about how this time would be different. Then I committed to those decisions. I've stuck to that commitment.

Yes, I realize it doesn't make me as good of a friend as I'd like to be; Yes, I know it makes me unpopular at work (being unwilling to work as much as my boss would like me to); Yes, it means that even when I am around I'm distracted, and potentially moody or exhausted.

Those are the unfortunate side effects of being a good student. It's the only way I know how to get through college. I have to study a lot for the grades I get. Plus, I don't like spending all my free time in bars drinking and wasting money. I enjoy spending time with my friends, but don't like that most of my friends socialize in bars (expensive, time intensive, and unhealthy).

My friends and I need to start meeting for lunch, playing raquetball, or going hiking or running or something. Something healthy, social, and where we're ourselves--not influenced by booze. Maybe I will join that martial arts class with Julie--social and active. Check, check.

I wrote this entry because half the time I feel stressed--like I'm going to lose my friends if I don't spend more time with them, but equally aware that if I spend more time with my friends my grades will be impacted (an significantly). It's just stressful, and frustrating trying to make them understand that I don't want to spend all my time hanging out with them in a bar, hanging out with them late at night (in part because I'm old and like to be in bed before too late at night, and in part because I have class early), and drinking. It's challenging to get them to understand that I really do WANT to hang out with them, but I just can't/shouldn't. They don't understand half the time and either razz me to my face, or just say something to the effect "alright man, I'll talk to you later" and when I call them on it say "oh, I'm not mad, I've just got to get going." Uh huh. Horseshit.

I suppose what I have to realize is that I can only do so much. As long as I'm doing what I can then that's just all that I can do. If it's not enough--either in getting good enough grades, retaining my friends, or keeping a job (potentially), then it's simply not enough and life moves on. There will be new friends, better/different grades, and new/different jobs...which is not to say that I think any of my friends will ditch me, or that I'll get bad grades, or that I'll lose this job and have to find another. All I'm saying is that as long as I'm doing what I can, I shouldn't stress or worry too much about the rest.

At the end of the day it's just hard work

2008-04-11T11:27:00.001-07:00

It's April 11th. According to every handy dandy little syllabus thingy I have for each of my classes, that leaves me roughly three weeks of school. Yeah. Eeek. Three weeks to learn new material, study old material, take five finals, turn in one paper (worth approximately 1/3 of my grade in that class), turn in one last statistics project, and so on. Oh, and the other small obstacle between me and finishing another successful semester: another 100+ pages of Math 103. That's algebra. Nothing smarty-pantsy like calculus, just algebra. And I'm stuck in it. It's like that stuff you get stuck on your tennishoes should you go walking through a field inhabited by livestock. Yeah, the good stuff. So here I am mired in that stuff, and the only thing that really will get my out of it is hard work. Diligent, focused, consistent progress.

My intelligence will only be *so* helpful here. As in, not much.

Complicating matters, my job didn't consult me before reducing their staff--which means I have been dragged into play there a day more a week than desired.

So what's a "studious" guy gonna do when allotted time decreases, work load increases, and the doubters multiply? Buckle down and show 'em what I've got, that's what.

When you realize you're in a tight spot, your first response shouldn't be to either ignore it or run away. Difficulties are rarely escapable. Even if they come upon you in a different dress later in life, they will reappear some day. I guarantee it. That's what so many students fail to grasp about college: college isn't just about doing homework, studying, getting (or not getting) good grades, partying, girls/guys (whatever your preference); college is about learning skillsets which TRANSFER to "real life." How to juggle many pressing demands and unexpected complications. It's about learning to appreciate the challenge, learning to grow from adversity. An interesting, worthwhile life consists of a lot of surprises and challenge. The opposite of surprise and challenge is...boring. And we all know just how boring boring is.

So, when you're in a tight spot, opt for a new approach: a plan. Break down the problem. Coldly. Impersonally. Objectively. Maybe it's all your fault you're in the tight spot, don't address it. You're in the tight spot, there's no time for blaming--yourself or anyone or anything else.

Once you've identified all facets of the problem, construct a point by point solution.

Then take action.

For example: I have three weeks (roughly) to finish Math 103. It's a self-paced course, which has been part of the problem--but that's irrelevant. All that matters is that I MUST finish this course in order to keep my math plan on track (Math 105, first half of summer; Math 160, second half of summer; Math 181, fall).

So, given three weeks what remains to be done before completion of the course?

Two cumulative tests, three mastery tests, and a final. Roughly 100 pages of material to learn. Break down that even further. Take cumulative test B on monday, April 14th, mastery 05 on April 16th, mastery 06 on April 18th, take cumulative test C on monday, April 21st. Then take mastery 07 on April 23rd. Plan to review a chapter a day for the next week and then take the final May 1st.

Granted, this is just all details to you, but to me it's necessary to get a grip on what actually has to happen in order to complete my goal. This plan is aggressive, but not undoable. That's another thing a "wise man" keeps in mind: what is doable. If your plan isn't doable, you must adopt a plan which is. No plan can salvage an impossible goal. If I were facing a week left with the same amount of math to do, that would put me in the position of creating a different plan--one which admits, objectively, that there's no way I could finish the course in time. Make sure you remember the distinction.

It's official: I am an algebra moron

2008-03-28T12:07:00.001-07:00

It's page 246, in my Math 103 book. The header at the, well, head,
describes the content as "5.4 - Solving Problems Using Factoring."
Which, I've gathered so far, is an ancient form of torture. There's no
way around it.

My difficulty here isn't, I like to think, an inherent lack of
intelligence; it's that I--unlike those that come up with this
crap--recognize it for what it is: retarded. Well that, and I don't
understand or care to understand all these little rules and ways of
solving equations. "Difference of Squares" sounds like a thick book
from ancient Britain (before it was Britain), not some relevant way of
solving problems which I should be familiar with. All this math--even
at an algebra level--without context is remarkably frustrating.
Economics makes math fun, interesting, relevant. If someone can show
me a valid use for binomials and factoring, THEN I'll start caring,
and then I'll start learning it happily.

It's a flaw, but I almost literally cannot learn anything which I
can't couch in relevance and context. Psychology it's not hard to do
that with, anthropology is a little harder, economics is hard but very
relevant, algebra is hit and miss. No wonder people hate math and why
so few appreciate and take math: it's taught in a way that makes it so
dry I have to increase my water consumption to offset the dehydration.

Nonetheless, here I am struggling through the latter parts of my
algebra book. The worst part is: if I want to be serious about
economics, I'll have to take a lot more math...math which is also
taught completely without context.

I'm just frustrated right now, and I know it. Frustrated that I'm so
"smart" and yet am struggling with college algebra (think high school
Algebra II). Frustrated, ultimately, because I expect it to come
easily to me because of my superior intellect (or some horseshit).
Frustrated because I should already know this stuff. Frustrated to be
forced to recognize I'm maybe not that smart...and all that that could
mean: possibly worse grades (even if I put forth good effort),
withdrawal of my parents financial support (they subsidize half my
tuition--but supposedly require a 3.0, which could be pretty difficult
to achieve with a major in economics and minors in math and
statistics), which would mean I'd have to work more which could mean
even worse grades (less time to study), and both cases mean no grad
school. No grad school option is scary because I see grad school as
the road to the really meaningful careers.

Still, I know that everyone has had to learn this stuff (algebra and
so on) at one time or another. And that most people, even smart
people, struggle to learn things for the first time. Effort and
persistence ultimately matter more than raw intellect anyway. I can do
this. One way or another, I will do this.

--
Sent from Gmail for mobile | mobile.google.com

Socialism vs. capitalism; generalized reciprocity vs. markets

2007-11-21T23:33:00.000-08:00

I've been reflecting a lot over the last few weeks on the quandaries of capitalism, socialism, and the various quaint exchange systems in use by primitive cultures (maybe not so much anymore, but certainly whenever it was that the anthropology texts I'm reading were written).

Frankly, it irritates me that much of the anthropology texts that I've been reading seem to be so negative about the American way. It's almost like the phenomena that occurs when a believer comes to reject--viciously, angrily, bitterly--a religion he used to be a member of. I know what that's like because it's how I catch myself feeling about Mormonism from time to time.

That complain aside, though, the qualms I have center around the obvious respect the anthropologists who're writing these ethnographies have for some of the social-building exchange systems certain cultures use. For example, the Ju/'hoansi (Ju'twasi/!Kung) people use a couple different systems for exchanging goods and sharing--all of which are designed to foster social connections, and spread risk.

Some, like my dear friend Julie, would probably think that such systems are the way that all of society should be operated. That we should all do a lot more "sharing" without concern for immediate gain (or, especially, profit).

I think that's ultimately the goal of average citizen-socialists (like those in America): a much more sharing oriented, everyone helps one another, type system. They view capitalism as evil because it revolves around profit margins (which, in turn, require paying people less than they're worth). Capitalism, to them, seems like a dog-eat-dog system.

I suppose it can be.

However, socialism, historically, just doesn't work. Even modern examples of "socialism," when even remotely successful, are often hybrids of systems: largely capitalistic with some socialism bolted on haphazardly. Truly socialistic systems crash and burn time and time again, but not before driving their populace into utter, equal, misery.

But then you look at societies like the Ju/'Hoansi. They have this wonderful community thing going on--exactly the same thing that socialists desire. The ideal socialist world is one in which everyone works hard doing whatever they love and sharing their production with everyone else equally. Everyone else, of course, is doing this too and so we all live the happiest, most connected, most affluent lives we can imagine.

Problems become readily apparent: not all of us can produce as much in any given task as anyone else. Some of us are lazy and are happy to let others take care of us; some of us are stupid or have significant health problems which reduce our production possibilities. Some of us work faster, slower, or produce better or more fully-featured products. Make everyone equal on the output/production side (everyone gets the same) and you reduce the incentives for those who really rock at DOING stuff to perform remotely near their capacity. Much of Europe is already facing problems of this sort. They've got all this unemployment, welfare, and so on, and they're surprised when they have 30%+ unemployment and a flagging economy--as everyone who's still working wakes up one day and realizes, "hey, why the heck am I working when my neighbors on both sides of me aren't? They get to sit at home watching TV all day, while I pay them to do it. I want to sit at home and watch TV all day and get paid to do it, too!"

There aren't many Americans who're THAT socialist though. Most American socialists are of the sort that wants access to free healthcare for everyone; access to free legal services for everyone; and so on. Not being a heartless monster myself, I too, idealistically would love it if it were possible to have such things available for free to everyone. But I've learned a lot in economics that reveals that it's simply a pipedream to wish for such things. The reasons healthcare and legal services cost a lot is that the principle of scarcity: there aren't enough doctors, lawyers, drugs, and court time to drive costs down. If there were a lot more doctors and lawyers than costs would be cheaper. The number of doctors and lawyers directly correlates to the demand for doctors and lawyers (including, as a variable, cost of service). So as price goes down for such services, demand goes up, as does available supply of lawyers and doctors. Which means that people are attracted to take on the massive student loans and years of extremely arduous school because they believe it will pay off. When prices start dropping because of a glut of providers of services then less people want to take that risk (years of school, hundred of thousands in education debt).

You try to force the market to be "free" and all the sudden you've got an extreme drop in qualified service providers. So, in order to keep providers/practicioners around you (the government) have to heavily subsidize these "free" services through taxes, which means that they aren't actually "free"--they just look like they are. We're still paying just as much for all these services, it's just that we're paying more for them (because the government is unavoidably inefficient) and paying in aggregate--everyone's paying for them out of their paychecks, right up-front.

In short, any economist will tell you straight-up: there is NO FREE LUNCH.

Let's take a look at the Ju/'Hoansi again. They have these cute, community-oriented systems like the sharing of the meat, and hxaro. These systems would really well for them. They keep everyone from becoming too proud, or attaining a position of prominence (which could jeopardize stability in the society), and keep the overall culture from becoming stratified. The Ju/'Hoansi live relatively good lives in which they don't have to work too much (20 or so hours a week) and are still able to live comfortably. That said, they don't have the average American's lifespan, XBox, TV, microwaves, books, or most of the things we enjoy. They don't have our access to healthcare, or education. Why is this? Mostly because, as economists point out, those with high living standards have high average labor productivity, which is a result of specialization in a society. The Ju/'Hoansi don't specialize. Specialization leads to trade which leads to social stratification potentially. Everyone basically is a jack-of-all-trades master of none. Which means there's no greater demand for anyone's goods over anothers.

Would we give up our capitalistic ways which have provided much greater healthcare access, educational opportunities, and an extraordinary level of comfort in daily life just to have a tighter social/community web? I doubt it. Capitalism, on the whole, does a better job of providing for the needs of everyone than socialism.

So, although these foraging (typically) systems of ensuring equality, risk distribution, and so on work okay for those with primitive lifestyles, expectations, and needs; they wouldn't work at all for society build on incentives. Until someone figures out how to match socialism and incentives (and not the gun-to-the-head variety) we'll just have to continue onward as capitalists.

I chose this

2007-11-14T18:17:00.000-08:00

I have a tendency to victimize myself. That's a problem in and of itself, but it's more of a problem because normally I don't realize that's what I'm doing. Tonight I caught myself getting into that mindset. You know the one (or maybe you don't): waaaaa, I've got so much to do--a paper to rewrite, a test to study for (lots of reading to catch up on in preparation for it as well as flash cards to make and study), economics homework, journals for psychology (due tomorrow). Ugh.

The key thing that I need to learn to remember is that this is all voluntary on my part. I chose to come to school, chose to be a good student, chose to be up late at night studying and writing papers, chose to give up time with friends and family, chose to give up some current consumption possibilities (see I *am* learning! hah! Take that econ!) for greater future consumption. I'm only here by choice. I am no victim at all.

Seeing myself as a victim has a lot of ramifications: stress level (which weakens my immune system, causes tension headaches), loss of satisfaction and happiness and optimism, and reduced performance in school (not as relaxed while studying, not enjoying studying means I don't absorb and learn as much).

How to circumvent this tendency? The simplest solution is just to make a "note to self" on my mental whiteboard as well as a "save for later" addendum. Hopefully this way I'll catch myself sooner before I get too stuck in ruts of such thought.

Also, I can really take a hard look at school and ask the "scary" questions: is it really that unpleasant? Is it making me miserable (or am I making myself miserable)? What are my goals? Is school still important in the attainment of those goals? What about school is causing me stress?

Obviously, it isn't school itself that's making me stressed and miserable, it's me. School is just education. Now if classes had a prerequisite of a lab of torture, that would be a real legit way in which school would be at fault for stress and misery. I'm making myself miserable because I'm allowing myself to feel like my self-worth is bound up in the grades I get, or don't get. I'm allowing myself to feel like my worth is dependent upon how great of a student I am. I need to refocus on the ideas I came into college with. The most important of the things I was thinking when I am into college were:

1) Work hard, study hard, and don't worry about the grades.
That is, what matters is the effort, not what is out of my hands (and in the hands of the professors). Hard work and effort and all I can do won't always be rewarded with good grades, so I need to separate the two.

2) Be in class, every class, on-time.

3) Complete and turn in all homework.

4) Study for, and take all tests.

This semester I've been kicking ass at #1, #3, and #4. On the whole I'm doing really well--especially considering that I'm a high school drop-out and two-time college drop-out (dropped out of the same college I'm currently attending twice before, both times within the first 7 weeks). My grades are also representative of my effort so far. But I cannot allow myself to focus on them. I won't. Now I'm going to go do some more studying. It's Econ time!