I chose this

I have a tendency to victimize myself. That's a problem in and of itself, but it's more of a problem because normally I don't realize that's what I'm doing. Tonight I caught myself getting into that mindset. You know the one (or maybe you don't): waaaaa, I've got so much to do--a paper to rewrite, a test to study for (lots of reading to catch up on in preparation for it as well as flash cards to make and study), economics homework, journals for psychology (due tomorrow). Ugh. 

The key thing that I need to learn to remember is that this is all voluntary on my part. I chose to come to school, chose to be a good student, chose to be up late at night studying and writing papers, chose to give up time with friends and family, chose to give up some current consumption possibilities (see I *am* learning! hah! Take that econ!) for greater future consumption.  I'm only here by choice. I am no victim at all.

Seeing myself as a victim has a lot of ramifications: stress level (which weakens my immune system, causes tension headaches), loss of satisfaction and happiness and optimism, and reduced performance in school (not as relaxed while studying, not enjoying studying means I don't absorb and learn as much).

How to circumvent this tendency? The simplest solution is just to make a "note to self" on my mental whiteboard as well as a "save for later" addendum. Hopefully this way I'll catch myself sooner before I get too stuck in ruts of such thought.

Also, I can really take a hard look at school and ask the "scary" questions: is it really that unpleasant? Is it making me miserable (or am I making myself miserable)? What are my goals? Is school still important in the attainment of those goals? What about school is causing me stress?

Obviously, it isn't school itself that's making me stressed and miserable, it's me. School is just education. Now if classes had a prerequisite of a lab of torture, that would be a real legit way in which school would be at fault for stress and misery. I'm making myself miserable because I'm allowing myself to feel like my self-worth is bound up in the grades I get, or don't get. I'm allowing myself to feel like my worth is dependent upon how great of a student I am. I need to refocus on the ideas I came into college with. The most important of the things I was thinking when I am into college were:

1) Work hard, study hard, and don't worry about the grades.
That is, what matters is the effort, not what is out of my hands (and in the hands of the professors). Hard work and effort and all I can do won't always be rewarded with good grades, so I need to separate the two.

2) Be in class, every class, on-time.

3) Complete and turn in all homework.

4) Study for, and take all tests.

This semester I've been kicking ass at #1, #3, and #4. On the whole I'm doing really well--especially considering that I'm a high school drop-out and two-time college drop-out (dropped out of the same college I'm currently attending twice before, both times within the first 7 weeks). My grades are also representative of my effort so far. But I cannot allow myself to focus on them. I won't. Now I'm going to go do some more studying. It's Econ time!